Communicate with the child.
To communicate with the child. How?
Preface to the 6th edition
This book reproduces the text of previous editions without any changes. However, it is much more drawings, to the same color. Usually the illustrations help you better understand what is signified by the words. They awaken interest and is better remembered. As it turned out, many parents read this book with the children, and pictures are very helpful in their joint discussions and analyses of cases. I hope in this new form the book will appeal to readers of all ages.
I am deeply grateful to the artists Valerie Khmara and the Pauline Egorushkina, creatively embodied in the drawings of many interesting and difficult moments of communication between children and adults.
Prof. Y. B. Gippenreiter, April 2008
Preface to the 5th edition
This release is similar to the previous editions of the book unchanged.
I am very pleased with the constant desire of parents to improve their relationships with children. Readers are often asked to write “more” or “something else”. These requests inspire and make us think about the deepening and expansion of the main topics, the focus of this book. Hopefully, in the near future I will be able to fulfill the wishes of readers.
I want to add that all the answers to questions like “How…?”, you find, apply not only to children but also adults to the relationship between them. It is very important that everyone in the family knew how to truly listen, to truly Express their emotions, to peacefully resolve conflicts, to respect the uniqueness and dignity of another. It is impossible to create a correct relationship with the child, if not peaceful and friendly atmosphere in the family as a whole.
I often hear from a close friend: “Write in your book that husbands are the same children”, and acquaintances of the woman adds: “And the wife too!”. And they are right in the sense that the humane principles of communication are universal for all ages. If you aren’t married or don’t have children, and even more if you have them, it’s time to care about each other and about a harmonious relationship among themselves. Then you will become the creators of the atmosphere, which is necessary for the development of child’s personality – and yours.
I really hope that this book will help you with this.
Preface to the 2nd edition
The first edition of this book quickly sold out, which confirmed the great need of our readers in the acquisition of knowledge and practical skills to help you better communicate with children.
Admire the exceptional willingness of people to work seriously to create psychological well-being of their children and families, despite the economic upheavals and stresses of our modern life. Specialists of the “helping professions” – practical psychologists, psychotherapists, social workers and teachers, which now is growing fast become an indispensable part of this process.
The author was nice and important to receive wonderful feedback on the usefulness of books from different circles of readers – parents and teachers referred to professionals working with families and children, teachers, training of these professionals, and even (which was especially a pleasant surprise) by the teenagers.
The positive reception of the book was forced to continue to think over its contents: what else would be useful to include?
Some results of these reflections are reflected in this publication. First of all, it includes entirely new material devoted to the “layers” of our emotional life, self-esteem and its pivotal role in the life of a child and an adult. This was the content of the new, tenth lesson. It is a systematized practical conclusions from all previous lessons.
Further, the book includes a few new boxes with a description of the studies and examples which help to enrich the content of the lessons (see lessons 4, 9 and 10).
Finally, we must mention a new artistic design of this publication.
Want to offer sincere thanks to the artist G. A. Karaseva for their sensitivity to all the wishes of the author and masterful creative embodiment in the drawings and the layout of the book.
My constant deep gratitude to T. V. Sorokina for the tremendous hard work of literary editing of both editions of the book, as well as for his constant enthusiasm, which was very supportive in the process of working on the book.
Is it possible for something to fix? How?
(Preface to the 1st edition)
– How to build a normal relationship with the child?
– How to get him to obey?
– Is it possible to fix a relationship if they’re at an impasse?
The practice of education is replete with such “eternal” questions. Can psychology to help parents, teachers, caregivers in their decision?
Of course, it can. In recent decades, psychologists have made a number of remarkable discoveries. One of them is about the importance of communication style with the child to develop his or her personality.
Now became the undisputed truth that communication is as necessary to a child as food. The kid that gets good nutrition and good medical care, but deprived of regular contact with an adult, not developing, not only mentally, but also physically: he is not growing, lose weight, lose interest in life.
Analysis of numerous cases of death of babies in orphanages in America and Europe after the First world war, – cases, with only one unexplained medical point of view, has led scientists to the conclusion that the reason is the unmet need of children in psychological contact, that is in the care, attention, and care from the nearest adult.
This conclusion made a huge impression on specialists: doctors, teachers, psychologists. Communication problems began to attract the attention of scientists.
If we continue the comparison with food, we can say that communication can be not only healthy, but also malicious. Bad food poisons the body; improper communication “poisons” the psyche of the child endangers his mental health, emotional well-being, and subsequently, of course, and his fate.
The “problem”, “hard”, “naughty” and “impossible” children as children “complexes”, “hammered” or “poor” is always the result of wrong attitudes in the family.
World practice of psychological assistance to children and their parents showed that even very difficult problems of education solvable if it is possible to restore a favorable style of communication in the family.
The main features of this style were defined as a result of a huge work of psychologists, humanists, theorists and practitioners. One of the founders of humanistic psychology – the famous American psychologist Carl Rogers called it “student centered”. that is putting the spotlight on the personality of the person with whom you are communicating right now.
Humanistic approach to human and human relations amounted ideological basis of this book. He is opposed to the authoritarian style of parenting, which has long existed in our schools and families. Humanism in education is based primarily on the understanding of the child’s needs and, on the knowledge of regularities of the growth and development of his personality. The style of communication, with whom you will meet in this book is based on such knowledge.
Before proceeding to the main content will inform you about one very important regularities discovered by practical psychologists.
It turned out that the majority of those parents who seek psychological help for difficult children themselves in childhood suffered from conflicts with their own parents. Experts came to the conclusion that the parent’s interaction involuntarily “is written” (imprinted) in the child’s mind. This happens very early, before school age, and usually unconsciously.
As an adult, man plays …